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Cathartic run

I ran just under 8 miles this morning at a 12:10/mi pace and was very pleased. I can tell I’m still not 100% cardiovascularly, but I’ve only been back for 1.5 weeks so I expect it’ll take some time. I’m going to try and get 4 runs in this week to help me get back to normal.  My foot bothered me most of the time but it wasn’t intense or anything.  I only slept for about 6 hours last night so I was pretty tired before I even started, but it felt great to be out there again.  I ran the Lady Bird Lake trail from Rogue to MoPac and back.  I always like running on the trail! 

This run was much needed for me mentally and emotionally.  I had a tough day on Friday.  Someone tried to hurt me with words and was successful. When I hung up the phone, I was physically shaking.  I had a knot in the pit of my stomach. I felt verbally beaten up.  Then I started to think about how completely unnecessary the whole situation was and intellectually, I knew it was all a load of crap, anyway.  My brain felt clear about it, but my heart still felt heavy. 

I was hopeful that my morning run would help me get more emotional clarity and it didn’t disappoint!  I kicked some things around my head off and on for the first 4 miles but around mile 5, it all clicked.  A song by Josh Groban (“You Raise Me Up”) started playing on my iPod and it, like always, reminded me of my grandparents.  This song means so much to me. The older I get, the more I can see myself through my grandparents’ eyes.  They believed in me – thought I was smart, capable, lovable, intelligent, and very special.  Sadly, I didn’t see those things myself when I was younger.  There are a myriad of reasons why it wasn’t clear to me, but I didn’t start seeing myself in a different light until after I became a mom for the first time.  That’s when the wheels started turning.  I remember looking at Dylan one morning when he was a baby and realizing maybe I was all of those things I listed above because I was Dylan’s mom and he didn’t deserve anything less!  Later, after Katie was born, it was more clear, but I still hadn’t fully embraced it.  Then the great big blob of 2004 happened and that put me on the direct path to seeing things clearly.

So the song came on and I was listening to the lyrics…

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

“You” in the lyrics represents my grandparents and I feel so loved when I listen to this song.  I think, too, about my relationship with God and this morning, I thought about how happy I am to be back at church and praying more regularly.  I really have a pretty amazing life, incredible kids, and I’m completely fine with the woman I’ve become over the years. I continue to grow and push myself in different ways and I am a good mom.  

Unfortunately when I was younger, I sometimes chose to spend time with people who didn’t want the best for me, who didn’t want the best for themselves, and it was a miserable existence there for awhile.  But I’m over it!  Perfectly happy!  I’m still a work-in-progress, of course, and don’t think I have all of the answers or everything I want, but I have a solid foundation. 

Once I pushed through and saw so clearly what I already knew, here came the tears. I cried because I was happy to see it all clearly again.  I cried because I used to subject myself to people who were not nice to me in college but that is so far behind me and I am SO GRATEFUL to be where I am today. So, so, so, very grateful.  Did I mention I was grateful? 

After Josh Groban came “It’s a Wonderful World” by Louis Armstong.  That put the biggest smile on my face! I had to verbally thank God for that one.  I’m sure the guy running past me thought it was for him, but it really wasn’t! It was for God.  After that song wrapped me up more tightly in gratitude, “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars came on and I normally think about Katie (and I admit, Peanut) when I hear it, but this time, I thought completely about Dylan.  He is growing up to be this remarkable young man and he has his challenges at times, but damn, he blows me out of the water with his positive attitude, kindness, and strength.  It reminded me that while I’m trying to help guide and shape him, I still have to let him be himself.  It’s not my job to turn him into something different but to help him be the best Dylan he can be.  He has so many things going for him and it seems like he recently turned another corner in maturity and I’m so proud of him. 

After all of that, I was free. Cleansed. Felt like a huge burden was just lifted off of my heart and I don’t think it was a coincidence that I picked up my pace and ended the last mile of my run under 11 minutes. 

I’m so happy to be a runner now.  I hope I can be smart about it and keep my inevitable injuries to a minimum and do this for many, many years to come.  I just can’t say enough about it.  My tag line really says it all!


Categories: Uncategorized
  1. January 10, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    YAY! What a great post. I, too, have spent too much time in life being unaware of my power and my bright spirit. I have spent too much time with those who did not care about me, and did not bring out the best in me. They brought me down, and I let them. But now. Oh no. I’m here and I am so happy to rise above all that to become who I am meant to be. Running is part of that path, and I am so grateful to have found it, and to have found people like you to support and get support from. Hooray for catharsis and running, and being true to our best selves!

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